He was not a perfect best friend. Not a perfect brother. But that's the thing that makes him the best.

He scolded and berated me when others let me get away with things I've done or said.

He tolerated me and gave me trust when others tried to tell me what to do or say. When they tried to mold me into some image they perceived best for me and everybody.

I didn't always know it. Didn't always see or hear it. ...But I've always found out later that he always there around me, looking out for me and my big sis in his own way.

He told me to forget others' words and thoughts. To do what I think what's best. Even if he didn't agree with it sometimes, he never really told me what to do. He just lined up his thoughts and disagreeness, but he never said "I don't want you to...". All he ever said was only "I trust you and the rest is up to you to decide what's best for you...".

He was not a saint or your poster boy for outstanding student or too goody old shoes little boy next door. Most of the time he was the opposite of what every parents thought their favourite son should be. But he has seen a lot in his own life. In his own special ways. That's why he was more tolerant than every self-proclaimed tolerant person I've ever met. But he also could be so strict and stern on his opinion about things that, surprisingly, some supposedly decent and good-mannered people think as normal or far from indecency.

He seldom tried to show me and my big sis the best way to do something. In fact, there were more than one occasion when he took it upon himself to show us the worst way to do things. To live a life. And leave the decisions in our own hands to pick which way we think we wanted to do. But we understand what he tried to imply in those acts of him.

That he trusts us to make our own decisions, the best and the right decisions, about those things he showed us. He showed and gave us opportunity to see things that most people would scramble about and try to cover it from us. But we understand that he did it cause he wanted us to see for ourselves in real life how some things could be so bad and life draining.

He was so young, but he already understood that you can't stop someone from following their curiosity. But you can satisfy it and in the same time also prevent those curiosity to turn into something worse and self-destructive by keeping that someone in line under your watchful eyes.

He understood that a simple trust means anything to every teenager than any long elaborate patronizing speech of good and evil.

...Cause he was a teenager himself. An ordinary teenager who had already seen lots of things in his own short life than most adults in all their lifes.

He was not a perfect brother. Not a perfect epitome of general idea of goodness. He had made mistakes and errors in his own life that most of the time land him in trouble. But he had always been a sincere brother. He looked out for me and my big sis the way some real brother never did.

He was a walking contradiction.

Lots of people despised him. Lots of others adored him.

He was sly, he was honest. He could be a jerk, he could be a gentle person.

He could be childish and immature, he could be wise, caring, and brotherlike.

He was smart, quick-witted. He was idiotic, nonsensical.

He was surprisingly dilligent sometimes, but annoyingly lazy other times.

He was short-tempered most of the times, but amazingly level-headed on many other occasions when it required him to do so.

There were times I hated him so much. There were times I admire and love him with the same intensity.

...But he has gone now.

It was so quick. Jst a few lines on the phone and my world turned upside down.

He died because of wet lung disease.

Tuesday, March, 01, 2005. At 2.30 AM.

I won't question anything. Or regret anything or start rehearsing some "what if..." speech.

Cause I'd hate it if I turn into that kind person. Things happened. And we shouldn't question fate.

...I'm just gonna sit here for awhile and reminisce every good and bad memory he has left me with. Then cherish all of them inside my heart forever.

Thanks for giving me fond memories of having a big brother. A precious funny irritating friend.

There's no big brother as great as you in my life. You're the first and forever you shall remain that way.

Rest in peace. May Allah SWT place you beside him. Forgive all of your mistakes and multiply the reward for all of the kindness and good things you've ever made in your life.

I pray for you. And for your beloved family. May God give them strength to accept the loss and make peace with the sadness. To go on living their everyday life with the company of your precious memories.

Inalillahi wainailaihi rojiun.

would I go down the same path as they did?
would someday I have to cry in shame
for inflicting so much pain
upon your already scarred bleeding heart...?

Or would it be me who'll be standing there
amidst the cold harsh rain at the end of that fateful day instead?

I wish this 'me' wasn't so complicated that it hurts others around me
I wish for just a little time
I could make peace with these voices in my head
and be that person who'll always love you

this rollercoaster emotion you take me in for a ride
frighten me in some bizarre way
cause to hurt you...
is the least thing I want to do in my life

So many thoughts racing around in my head
There's this tiny bird fluttering helplessly within my chest
Things I deprive myself from,
now come back in multiple colors and banging on my last defenses
I love this life so much
I love so many people I have even lost count

...Yet it seems your presence is the only one that take over my daylight out of me...

 

Kompromi, kompromi. Hmm...walau emang kita sadar bener klo itu gak terhindarkan dari fakta hidup manusia sebagai makhluk sosial, tapi tetep aja, ya, kadang pengen ngomong, *sori* "Compromise be damned!" Hehehe.

Misalnya, gw akhirnya nemu link yang nyedian lagu-lagu yang gw demen banget en emang gak ada di situs music codes laen, tapi apa iya gw tega bikin keleyengan orang yang dateng ke blog ini, cuma gara-gara gw pengen muasin selera gw sendiri? Klo temponya masih normal en nadanya masih easy listening sih gw rasa juga gak bakal masalah. Walaupun misal lagunya gak akrab di kuping. Lha tapi ini klo model Manson or NIN, yang gw ngerti banget not sweets for the ears? ^___^ Gw paham kok gimana rasanya masuk ke suatu situs terus tau-tau dikagetin ma musik kenceng gak puguh en bikin gw langsung empet pengen ngejewer kuping yg punya situs itu, trus gak niat dateng-dateng lagi. ^___^ (gw juga gak begitu lahir tau-tau langsung demen musik-musik gitu lah. Bertahap deh. Maksudnya semakin bertambah umur semakin rusak gitu, ya. Hehehehe.)

Kompromi ada dan harus dipenuhi karena masyarakat punya sistem nilai tertentu yang secara tak tertulis udah disepakati. Dan mengharuskan tiap-tiap anggotanya untuk mematuhi set aturan itu, dengan konsekuensi sanksi sosial kalo dilanggar.
 

Kalau bikin salah, wajib minta maaf. Kalau di ruangan yang lagi hening, jangan sampai bikin ribut. Kalo demen sama orang ada A-B-C-nya, jangan langsung nyosor. ^___^

Kompromi juga bisa diartikan sesuatu yang harus dilakukan karena ada standar tertentu yang harus dicapai, dipenuhi. Misal, kalo ke resepsi merit-nya seseorang, klo bisa gak pakai jins karena katanya gak sopan, kesannya terlalu kasual en gak ngehormatin yang punya hajat. Ada pakem tertentu tentang busana dan batasan apa yang dianggap sopan dan pantas untuk acara seperti itu. Padahal sih kata gw tergantung mix matchnya aja. Gw klo gak kepaksa banget males pake gaun or kebaya ke resepsi. Ribet. Makanya gw lebih sering pake jins dipadu ma kebaya. Bisa langsung cabut maen kelar dari sana soalnya, hehe. Asal lo bisa mantesin dengan dandanan menurut gw jins juga bisa keliatan anggun. Kebaya dengan unsur tradisionalnya juga bisa menyamarkan kesan kasual jins dengan baik kok. Tapi kembali lagi, masalahnya pakem yang dah kental di masyarakat masih nganggap jins itu non formal wear. En sebagian besar orang gak pengen jadi black sheep of society dengan mencoba mengkonfrontasi standard tertentu dalam masyarakat.

Tapi sampai batas mana kompromi itu masih bisa dianggap kompromi biasa demi menjaga kepentingan umum, atau sudah berubah melewati batas menjadi invasi terhadap hak-hak pribadi dan individu?

Klo pekarangan rumah kita terpaksa berkurang karena dipake untuk keperluan pelebaran jalan, maka kehilangan dalam bentuk properti itu akan dikompensasi dalam bentuk yang sama. Uang ganti rugi. Ini terlepas dari sesuai atau tidaknya besar uang itu, cause let's face it, ukuran tanah emang bisa diitung riil, tapi sentimen rasa kehilangan yang abstrak pasti nilainya berbeda untuk tiap orang. Terlebih lagi, ironisnya, kalo boleh bawa-bawa latar belakang akademis, dalam UUPA (Undang-undang Pokok Agraria) hak milik atas tanah itu dianggap hak terkuat warga negara yang gak bisa diganggu-gugat. Artinya mutlak. Karena sejak dulu dalam adat kita tanah dianggap harta kekayaan tertinggi. Tapi di UU yang sama juga dinyatakan klo hak milik atas tanah yang seharusnya mutlak itu ternyata juga bisa dianulir klo berhubungan dengan kepentingan umum (misal:pelebaran jalan tadi). Jadi? Bingung? Ambigu? Jangan tanya gw. Gw belum punya gelar SH en yang bikin UU itu bukan gw. :P

Kembali lagi, kalo kehilangan hak atau pelaksanaan kompromi itu berbentuk riil atau setidaknya juga punya sisi riil, maka masih ada kemungkinan dilakukan penggantian kerugian.

Tapi, kalau yang tercerabut itu benar-benar hak individu yang gak tergantikan dan udah terintegrasi sedemikian kuat dalam dirinya? Yang gak punya sisi riil sama sekali sehingga gak bisa dihitung besar kerugian nominalnya? Kalau udah sampai batas itu, kita jadi kepikiran kenapa yang ada cuma sanksi sosial, tapi gak ada comfort or ganti rugi sosial...

Masyarakat itu emang kadang entitas yang egois. Seringkali segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengannya sifatnya hanya satu arah doank... Everything for the greater goods.

Gw mau ngomong untuk seorang temen deket gw. Ini sebenernya ide yang basi mungkin buat sebagian orang en gak bener-bener baru. Di luar negeri udah banyak yang turun ke jalan memperjuangkan ide ini. To have a true freedom to choose one's own preference on life and sexual partner.

Segala nilai yang ada di masyarakat, religius, sosial, dsb, mengharuskan kita mematuhi perangkat nilai tersebut. Untuk berkompromi. Mengkompromikan kepentingan pribadi agar sejalan dengan kehendak dan kepentingan umum demi kesejahteraan bersama.

Tapi, apakah bayangan personal tentang pasangan hidup seseorang itu merupakan sesuatu yang mengancam kesejahteraan umum? Apakah jenis kelamin seseorang menjadi lebih penting diatas kenyataan bahwa pihak-pihak yang menjalani hubungan itu merasa bahagia di dalamnya?

Sejak kapan menjadi normal itu juga harus dikompromikan?

Besides, there's no such thing as normal anyway. ...Lalu kenapa ada hal-hal tertentu yang tidak mendapat kelonggaran dari masyarakat, sementara hal lain dapet privileges itu?

Mungkin gw terdengar naif. Tapi, terus terang, emang gw gak ngerti kenapa kadang masyarakat meminta terlalu banyak dari anggotanya dan hanya memberi sedikit in return.

Hmm, gw jadi kedengeran bitter banget gini. Sori. Tapi klo lo abis ngeliat temen deket lo nangis karena dia selalu kepikiran gak pengen bikin sedih nyokapnya, satu-satunya orang tua dia yang masih idup, pasti kalian bakalan bitter juga kayak gw.


Anyway, take care aja deh ya buat semua yang baca entry ini. And also please take care of those around you. Keep in mind that it's so easy to hurt them, but it takes forever to heal the wounds. Have a great day. :)

Aaaaah.....run away, ruuuuun!

Heh, kalimat pembuka yang cukup jayus, Rin. Oke. Shut up now. Eh... tapi klo gw shut up brarti gak bakal ada entry dong? oh my God, she's talking to herself, people! Again. Heuh...iya, iya, gw brenti deh. Ini akibatnya klo jam 11 mlm minum kopi. Bweh. Sapa suruh jadi caffeine addict, girl? Oh, SHUT UP, you little voice in my head! :P

Nah, setelah gw menyelesaikan sedikit internal issue tadi mari kembali ke jalur yang benar, shall we, people? 


 
Heh, knapa gw bilang run away? Abisnya gw baru balik dari blog yg satu lagi en ternyata para piranha bloggers yg kejam (oke, hiperbuas, sori, maksud gw temen2 blog gw) dah ada yg gegoakan nyuruh post entry baru. Hiks. Jahat lo2 pada. Malah bikin gw tambah stres. Dah tau gw gak nge-post2 gara mandeg ide, lha ini malah ditereak-tereakin. Buset deh. Begini kali ya perasaan presiden yang tiap hari kerjanya didemo macem-macem orang??? Dasar orang-orang gak pernah puas. Ups. Hehe. Sori, sori. Tadi hanya sekedar menyuarakan suara hati para pejabat yang sering didemo. Apa hubungannya ma lo, Rin? Damn! Ngapain lo muncul lagi?? Sana, hush, hush. Silly alter ego. Hmph.

Aaah...udah deh. Gimana ntar aja post yang di sono. Sekarang gw lagi mo rambling gak puguh. Cause that's why this blog exist. Yay. ^__^

Hm, abis nonton Hustle di Global TV en gw tergubrak-gubrak karena ternyata ada juga versi muda-nya Denzel Washington! ( Oke, mulai dari sini sampe selesai entry ini gw kayaknya bakal terdengar kayak screaming fangirl on steroid, jadi buat orang-orang yang ngerasa 'eeyuh' ma kelakuan yang cewek banget model gitu, dipersilakan utk gak nerusin baca, hehe..)

_{And that 'tension' between him and that Danny Blue character. Triple whoa.}

Hehehehe, mo diterusin? Eh...apa? Wah, udah ada korban-korban yang bertumbangan? Waaah, padahal gw belon ngeluarin setengah dari kejayusan gw neeeh. ^____^ Ayo, dong, people, be brave. Seperti kata lagu-nya Alter Bridge, band recycle Creed yang cuma dituker tambah vokalis doang itu, "Open Your Eyes"-lah pada realita klo di dunia ini ada juga makhluk kayak gw yang turut berbagi oksigen yang sama dengan kalian. :P Too bad, but I'm staying. Hehehe.

Ah, ya udah deh. Gw bersimpati dengan kalian. Fangirl's rambling-nya cukup ampe disini aja. Tapi, uuugh, garis-garis ketawa halus di sudut matanya itu loh, bikin gw yang lagi duduk nyeleneh di sofa tambah merosot-merosot. (biasa, efek samping kebanyakan nonton anime. Jadi suka meng-kopi gerakan-gerakan yang gak mungkin.) Hm, gw nemu satu pic sih yang ada dianya (duh, ampun, susah banget nyari pic dia yang bagus. Tau gak?) Tapi, percaya deh aslinya di TV lebih dazzling daripada pic ini. Look at the eyes, people, the eyes. Drool. Pokoknya nonton aja deh kapan-kapan di TV. Haha, ini bukan promosi. Gw gak dibayar apa-apa loh sama Global. :P

....gimana caranya mem-filter tampang-tampang good looking itu biar gak bercokol di otak gw????

Okeee....hmmm, berhubung gw lagi bengong gak ada kerjaan. Sedangkan di luar ujan pula, dingin, plus perut kelaperan, dan yang pasti bikin otak tambah buntu gak bisa mikir ide untuk entry baru. Akhirnya iseng-iseng mutusin utk nge-klik account blogpatrol gw untuk blog ini. Gak detil banget sih servis yg disediain tapi lumayan lah klo buat keep track sapa aja yang dateng kesini (maklum free site ^__^ ).

Hmmmm, dan tau gak apa yg gw temuin pas itu account dah kebuka di depan mata?

Hm, begitu liat daftar Top 20 Search Terms or keyword yang dipake orang-orang yang masuk ke blog ini gw cuma bisa geleng-geleng kepala sambil cengengesan. Aduh tolong ya, silakan liat aja sendiri daftarnya :

- 03:45:33 cewek bisa pake (Google) ---> (umm, hellooo...? desperate banget ya? or emang super bosen aja? sampe kepikiran ngetik keyword begini di internet... ^__^;; )

- 07:31:52 shrek1 songs (Yahoo)

- 04:19:30 konflik pembagian warisan (Google)

- 20:59:30 pembagian waris banci (Google) ---> (no comment deh. Salah gw sendiri yg emang ngetik kata-kata di salah satu entry en bisa dijadiin keyword untuk ini, hehe)
 
- 09:24:52 virgin film gambar (Google) ---> ( uuh...cuma satu pertanyaan : So what's your age again? :P ) 
 
- 21:57:35 color (Google)
 
- 11:41:15 dir en grey quizzes (Google)
 
- 09:30:54 keanu reeves (Google)
 
- 14:36:08 gambar hiphop (Yahoo)

- 06:57:18 cewek feminin (Google) ---> (whoa, gak tau mesti nyengir bajing apa kudu tersipu malu tersanjung berat nih baca keyword ini. ^___^ Tapi beneran deh, klo dah baca blog ini juga bakal tau sendiri klo gw gak ada femini-femininnya. Tapi yaaah...penampilan emang bisa nipu. And that's the beauty of life. ...Sometimes. :P)

- 08:22:47 Queer as Folk (Google) ---> (angkat tangan deh. Guilty as charged. Hihihi)
 
- 03:16:08 trend rambut panjang 2005 (Google) ---> (hmm, kata-kata apa di blog ini yang bikin muncul keyword itu ya? Perasaan belon pernah nulis entry tentang rambut, deh? )

- 02:15:01 tsunami nicolas saputra (Google) ---> (bingung, judulnya. Kok bisa-bisanya ya nyambungin tsunami ma nicolas saputra...? Hmmm....jadi penasaran... :P)

- 09:21:01 chantique beauty series (MSN)

- 09:08:12 %22toto chan%22%2C%22tetsuko%22 (Yahoo)

- 10:26:20 artifisial rock (Yahoo)

- 17:44:39 mencari donasi tsunami (Google)
 
- 08:45:09 gay anak kost (Yahoo)
 

Huehehehe, ampun deh ya, kadang-kadang gw bener-bener kagum deh sama kemampuan imajinasi orang. Euh, dan tolong dicatat, itu separoh sarkasme ya. :P